Test

Test. What does this word mean? Going into finals, and dealing with family drama, both inside and outside of my home: death, impending death, teen angst, differing views of parenting, mamma drama (both my own and my mothers, and for that matter my mother’s mamma), pet food scares galore... This word, “TEST” weighs on my mind. Is a test something that comes to us on a piece of paper and measures the depth and breadth of our knowledge on a given subject? Is it a crisis of faith that we must face and come through, whether for the better or the worse? Is it Love, that most inexplicable emotion that drives us each to the very extremes of behavior? Is it a difficult situation, combinations of situations, or obstacle that we must face or run away from? Is it a particular person who, although important to you and perhaps even an integral part of your life, is pushing the limits of our patience and tolerance? Is it all of these things?

What is this elusive thing? Why is the word so scary in and of itself? In elementary school a test was a little thing, usually it seemed like a game. In Junior High a test was an annoying thing, something that couldn’t be avoided but was unpleasant none-the-less. In High School it was a judgment, a compartmentalizing of human beings. Throughout grade-school social tests took place, on the playground, in the classroom, in the cafeteria, on the bus, during sleepovers, birthday parties... What kind of clothes were acceptable and what judgments were passed against you and by whom based solely on your appearance, a thing, as likely as not, that was almost completely outside the scope of your own control?

In adult life simply getting through each day can be, and often is, a test. It’s a competition with the world, your family, your boss, your co-workers, even strangers who are encountered in random places as you plod or skip through your day. Children. Ah children, they are the biggest test of all. Whether or not you have children, you will be judged for your choice, or sometimes lack of choice, to have or not have children. Once a child comes into your life you become a solid target for judgment. This is the hardest test to face. Your judges will be parents, siblings, spouse/love interest, friends, strangers in the street/on the bus/in the store/etc., and worst of all (and hardest to face) yourself.

Ultimately, I believe, a test is actually a judgment. I am, most certainly, my own harshest judge, jury, and executioner. I grade every test I am faced with in the harshest possible style. I give myself no curve, no mercy, no exception regardless of whatever extenuation circumstances may exist. I crucify myself for every misstep, every slip, and every error. I see myself under an imaginary florescent light, every wrinkle, face hair, blemish, and wart magnified and exaggerated. Perhaps then, this is the hardest and only true test, this testing of oneself. perhaps the greatest accomplishment one can strive for in life is to overcome this harshest of judgments. I would never hold another to the impossible standards that I hold myself to. Suppose I were to overcome that need to eviscerate my own personality, what then have I become? Am I more or less than I was?